The Passing of Guilt
by fiftyshadesoflinstead
Summary: So this is my first Chicago PD story - a one-shot set a little over a year after Nadia's death. I highly recommend reading it if you need a good cry but also some cute and happy Linstead to mend your heart after the events of the Season 2 finale (I know I do)! I'd really appreciate any reviews on this - let me know what you think. Enjoy!


**So this is my first Chicago PD story! The idea for this came to me only recently as I thought it would make a nice story to heal us all after recent events! As it's my first and I'm very new to this, it's probably not absolutely amazing but I hope you enjoy reading it!**

We're born into this world as innocent human lives...

We grow and live experiencing so many different things day after day, year after year...

And then we die.

Death is _inevitable_. It's inevitable for us all - from insects, to animals, to humans. Each and every organism on our planet dies eventually. Erin Lindsay was one woman who knew that particularly well. Every day she witnessed death so closely due to her job in Intelligence, from seeing innocent people brutally murdered by sadistic criminals, to seeing those sadistic criminals lose their lives at the hands of her colleagues for justice. Subsequently, death didn't affect Erin as much as it would for other people; facing it everyday caused it to lose its full effect and it had basically become a normal part of her day to day life.

But that was until Nadia. Until her best friend, her soul sister, the newfound light in her life had been so abruptly taken from her. No person can ever get over such a tragic event, not even the strong, level-headed Erin Lindsay could. She kept telling herself that it would get better. That one day, however far in the future, she would finally be able to move on with her life, to be free of the guilt that weighed down on her shoulders, that pulled on her heart. The guilt that it was her fault. That if it hadn't been for her, Nadia would still be alive. She'd be dancing around Erin's apartment, singing at the top of her lungs, drumming along to her humming with the pots and pans in the kitchen cupboards. Just the usual Nadia-craziness. She needed that day to come.

And finally, even if it was over a year later, it did...

"Hey, has anyone seen Lindsay?" Voight asked his colleagues in the bullpen, a slight hint of worry evident in his voice as he wondered where the woman he thought of as a daughter had gotten to. It wasn't like Erin to just disappear in the middle of a shift.

Just as the words left his mouth, Jay walked out of the break-room, a fresh mug of coffee brewing between his palms.

"Jay have you seen your wife?" Voight questioned his younger colleague and also son-in-law.

"She's at her desk, isn't she?" He replied as he glanced over to where his wife normally sat, answering his own question in the process when he realised she wasn't there.

"Anyone else?"

"Oh I saw her walking out the doors downstairs about 15 minutes ago - she looked like she was in a bit of hurry." Chiped in Ruzek as he walked up the stairs into the bullpen. "I didn't have a chance to ask her where she was off to though because Platt started questioning my choice of clothing. God that woman is nearly as bad as my mother!"

This remark was followed by a collective chuckle until Voight spoke again. "Right. Jay, do you have any idea where she would've gone? It's not like her to leave in the middle of a shift without any prior notice. A doctor's appointment maybe?"

Every time someone mentioned the phrase 'doctor's appointment', Jay would feel a warm feeling overcome his body. Even after 6 months he still couldn't comprehend that he was going to become a father in the foreseeable future. He and his wife, the beautiful Erin Lindsay, had created a life, a perfect combination of their genes that was growing into a human being and would soon enough grace this Earth. It just left him in a complete sense of wonder every single time.

Quickly coming out of his own little world before he became lost in his thoughts, Jay replied, "No, our next one's not scheduled for a few weeks time and anyway, I would've gone with her. I can't think where she'd..."

"Jay, what is it?" Questioned Voight, the level of worry in his voice rising due to Jay's unfinished sentence and the look of sudden realisation on his face.

"I, I know where she'll be. I've got to go." Jay said, placing his cooling mug of coffee on the end of his desk with quite a large thud in the rush of things. Grabbing his jacket from around his chair and swinging it over his shoulder, he hurriedly made his way out of the bullpen and down the stairs to exit the District, leaving his colleagues - and particularly his boss - a little confused.

As he walked down the pathway of Chicago Cemetery, surrounded by headstones dedicated to fallen soldiers who had lived in the city and Chicago police officers, a sense of reassurement fell upon Jay Halstead at the sight of his wife's slender figure, albeit her growing stomach, stood infront of a particular headstone that Jay immediately recognised - that of Nadia. Nadia's grave was easily found among the many others in the cemetery because it had been placed - at Erin's request - under the most beautiful cherry blossom tree that either of them had seen. At the time, Erin had made it so very clear that Nadia's grave had to stand out in the cemetery, that it had to be in a perfect place, surrounded by vibrant plants and flowers to represent Nadia's beautiful soul, the beautiful soul that Erin had helped to rediscover under all of the drugs and all of the mess. And that request had been served, maybe more than Erin had expected herself; roses and daffodils grew in the area surrounding Nadia's headstone as the blossom delicately fell from the tree above, creating a silhouette of pink petals around the grave.

Jay continued to walk along the path, in the direction of his wife, until he momentarily stopped after catching a glimpse of her face. Even from a sideways angle, he could tell she'd been crying - the corners of her eyes were red and slightly puffy, and he could see the trail left behind by the most recent tear that had fallen down her right cheek. Sighing at the fragile state of the woman before him, he cautiously took steps towards her, closing the gap between them as he gently wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, placing his palms on the lower part of her bump. As he did this, he felt her body jump slightly at his sudden, unexpected touch but this immediately passed as he felt his wife's small frame relax into his as Erin placed her hands over Jay's on her stomach.

He didn't have to say anything to her straight away as he sensed her comfort in his embrace and they stayed like this for a couple of minutes, with Erin resting her head back slightly into her husband's chest, until Jay heard his wife's voice from beneath him.

"I really miss her Jay."

Before he had the chance to answer, Erin spoke again:

"I knew I would of course, but I didn't truly realise how much you know. It's just not been the same since she died. Even if it has been over a year. Nothing's been the same and I honestly don't know whether it ever will be again..."

Sensing the fragility and vulnerability in his wife's voice, Jay placed a tender kiss within Erin's hair and tightened his hold of her slightly, giving her a gentle, reassuring squeeze in the process.

"I just don't understand why it had to be her. I wouldn't wish what that bastard did on anyone, don't get me wrong, but out of all the women in Chicago, why on earth did it have to be Nadia?"

Jay sighed and turned his wife around to face him, still holding her in an embrace with his arms tucked around her waist, his hands placed gently on the small of her back.

"Look Erin, you know I would love to give you an answer to that, but I don't have one. I have no idea why it was Nadia and most of all I have no idea why that twisted man would hurt her but he did. And I'm afraid that there's nothing any of us can do. There was nothing you could do at the time ok?"

"But..."

"No, listen to me. I know you've spent the past year blaming yourself for what happened to her but you need to stop. It wasn't your fault and you know deep down that Nadia wouldn't want you blaming yourself and putting yourself through hell because of what happened to her. She would want you to stop. To forget about what he did. To remember the happy times. When someone mentions her name, she would want you to instantly reconnect with all the positive memories you had together, from your weekly film nights, to your attempts (which were all failures let me point out) at setting her up with cute strangers in Molly's. She would want you to remember all the laughs you shared together. Everything happy. So please, remember all those times for her sake and for our unborn child's sake also, because let me remind you that Nadia would not want you causing any harm to her niece or nephew by stressing yourself out and blaming yourself for all of this ok? I'm here for you Erin and I've always got your back because I _love_ you, just like Nadia loves you, like she always will, even if she's not physically here holding your hand like a sister would."

The words coming out of her husband's mouth hit Erin immediately. They resonated within her mind as soon as Jay had said his last word, lingering on the phrase 'our unborn child'. Erin never imagined she would hear that phrase echo out of Jay's mouth, let alone it actually be true. He always knew exactly what to say when she needed to hear it, when she needed saving from herself and her overwhelming emotions. He really was the love of her life.

Jay wasn't alarmed in the slightest bit at Erin giving no spoken reply to what he had just told her. He knew her well enough to know that she appreciated what he had said and didn't necessarily need to voice a reply. This was until he heard a mumbled sentence come from the head resting into his chest.

"What was that?" He asked gently.

"If it's a girl, I want to call her Nadia." Erin said as she looked up into the deep blue eyes of her husband who returned her glance.

Jay paused for a second whilst he registered what his wife was talking about and then replied softly, "Nadia Halstead - it's perfect."

Just as he said this and the couple shared a soft kiss whilst still held together in their embrace, Jay noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

"Look."

And in this moment, all the guilt, all the negative feelings and emotions Erin had been carrying in her heart for over a year instantly lifted from her, like they just seemed to vanish completely, for what she was seeing infront of her settled everything. Because in that moment, a delicate butterfly had fluttered across the flowers and come to gently settle gently on the top of Nadia's headstone. This was a sign, Erin thought, a sign from her sister, that everything was going to be ok, that she was ok up there, she was listening, and that Erin could move on with her life now, move past all of the negativity of the past year and the guilt she'd been carrying and into a happy, positive future with the love of her life and their child. Their child that would carry Nadia's memory within them, whether it be a little boy or a little girl, because that child would have their Aunty Nadia watching over them, protecting them from the bad things in life, just like Erin had done for Nadia over the past few years. A guardian angel watching over them...

 _Always_.

 **So there we have it! Reviews are very welcome on this as I'd love to hear what you think, or if you have any ideas or requests for future stories then let me know! I won't be able to write or post for the next week as I have my last week of school exams but after that I've got 3 months of summer holidays to write as much as I want!**

 **I'd also appreciate your opinions on whether I should create an Instagram fanpage centred around Sophia, Jesse and Linstead as I've had the idea for a while now and I used to own one for something else - I think it'd be a good thing to do so I can share my love for them with you all! Let me know what you think (if yes then I'd need your help with account names!) :)**


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